Opinion – why we should all stop looking for ‘the one’

Alderton’s writing also helped me understand that modern dating is broken.

Gen-Z’s stronger sense of self has greatly affected the way we treat each other, which is further fuelled by the idea that there’s always something better around the corner. Knowing exactly what we want may very well have caused us to develop unrealistic standards for romantic partners.

With that being said, if Gen-Z really is the generation of individualism, then we all should have learnt by now that it’s nigh impossible to find someone that you’re physically, politically, financially, and intellectually (the list goes on) compatible with.

While it’s true that the younger generations are more sexually liberated, experimental, and open-minded, it still feels like finding the one and settling down is still the end goal.

Look at shows like Love is Blind, for example, where the eventual prize is marriage and settling down in a conventional, heterosexual partnership. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with aiming for these things if that’s what you really want, but why are we all still being taught that this is the ultimate?

In an interview with the founder of MakeLoveNotPorn, Cindy Gallop (@CindyGallop) declared that ‘women are sold the concept of love as self-sacrifice.’

After hearing this, it occurred to me that the idea of finding the ‘one’ was a feminist issue. Perry describes marriage as ‘a way of controlling women, a way for fathers to sell of their daughters to another man who provides for her in exchange for sex and babies.’

Meanwhile, single women are pitied and told to ‘hang in there’, all while being quietly judged as people try and work out what’s wrong with them.

Millennials and Gen-Z were raised on Disney films, Friends, and other media that reinforces the idea that you’re only half a person until you find the ‘one’.

We were taught from a young age that finding the ‘one’ is our destiny and that little else matters. Today, Gen-Z seems to have shaken off so much old-fashioned thinking that you can be as sexually free and liberated as you like – but paradoxically still be haunted by the pressure of finding and ending up with the one.

Gallop further describes this quest of looking for the one as ‘deeply unfortunate, because what this means is, every social event you go to (you think) ‘will he be there?’ Naturally, this almost always leads to disappointment.

Gallop explains that in her early thirties she decided to stop wasting time looking for the one and she hasn’t looked back since. I would argue that this is one of the most powerful and liberating decisions Gen-Z has left to make.

As I said, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to get married, buy a house and have children, but we need to stop assuming and internalising these things as the ultimate end goal.

In the same way that Gen-Z has challenged traditional relationship structures, it’s now time to challenge the purpose of our relationships. Not everyone we’re involved with sexually or romantically needs to be the ‘one’.

Post-pandemic life is hard enough without us internalising yet another pressure on ourselves. We don’t need to find the ‘one’ if we don’t want to, as we can be complete and fully realised people without conforming to an ancient, traditional stereotype of heterosexual love.