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Do we know how to let go?

As we grow, we often let go of things – whether it’s a material object, a friendship, or something more. But do we know how to survive the loss?

For the first time in a while, I had no doubts that this was going to be an amazing year for me. I was finally consistent with exercising, meeting my friends more often and making new ones, and going on an exciting road trip to Houston, Texas. 

Finally, the cherry on top was turning 21 years old. This milestone only made the year more special, as I would finally be considered an adult in every single corner in the world.

I was going to finish college early, get my first office job, go on a graduation trip to Vegas, and attend multiple concerts and festivals in town with friends. These are the typical kinds of plans you make whenever you reach a big milestone.

But one month later, my life turned 180 degrees. It all started when I went to get checked for a lump on my right breast.

At the beginning, the doctors were very optimistic that, depending on the biopsy, I could potentially live with the lump as my long-time companion. But even after an ultrasound, we realized it wasn’t possible.

As dramatic as it sounds, I had only two choices in front of me.

Option one: forget about surgery for now, and focus on my early graduation, the trip to Vegas, the concert season. For the moment, there wasn’t any pain – it was just the little lump – but one that can and almost certainly would double its size.

Option two: undergo surgery and be forced to put all plans on hold for a bit. Within a week, I’d have the results of what exactly was going on, but I would have to make peace with the changes in my body. If you are an independent person like me, this means learning how to ask for help during recovery.

Before I continue, imagine yourself in my situation. What you would have chosen to do, based on your dreams and plans ahead. Does that answer make you happy? Does it make you feel good about what’s about to come?

It was tempting to choose option one. Firstly, because it’s easier to pretend it isn’t happening at all and because I wanted to enjoy all I have planned. Who wants to put a moment they’ve spent years waiting for on pause?

But I knew I wouldn’t be happy. I knew I would constantly have this itch in my brain, asking ‘what if it’s growing?’ or ‘what if it’s cancer even if the probability of that is minimal?’

So I made the hard choice and went for option two. And let me tell you, it is scary. Not only the surgery part, but the knowledge I let go of this carefully planned year I had in mind. I won’t lie, even when I tell myself I made the right choice, it still hurts. 

If I have had time to reflect on anything, it is that life isn’t easy, and that lessons come from where you least expect them. I saw the year ahead as one that would help me grow, one where I’d to get to know myself a little bit better. It came, but just in a different way than I expected.

So no, I don’t think we are made to know how to let go, how to not suffer through it. But I do think that we are made to learn, even when it hurts, especially when it’s what makes us grow in unexpected ways.

Sometimes letting go will hurt too much, it will feel like grief, it will feel like people questioning you, like crying yourself to sleep, or like how the house of cards you’ve been building so carefully for days just fell, and you have to rebuild it from scratch not knowing where to start.

I don’t know if I made the right choice yet, and I’m not sure I ever will know that, but I do know that I’ll go into that surgery aware of my decisions, and hopefully it will make it a little bit easier to accept the changes that will come later.

I hope this piece inspires you to stop for a bit and prompts you to think about the things that actually matter to you the most, and how you deal with situations that involve making difficult decisions for yourself.

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