the endless battle to conquer my fears

Whether it’s doing something relatively mundane like boarding a flight, or delving into the existential dread of getting older, my life is a constant battle to not let anxiety win.

Now that I’m nearly thirty (gasp), I’m being invited to weddings, stag dos, the lot.

My first ever stag is in Dublin this weekend, where I’ll be flying from Bristol airport. I’ve only ever flown four times and haven’t boarded a plane since 2018. I’m terrified of them. When I tell people this, I’m usually given a speech about statistical safety records, the unlikelihood of anything going wrong, and the idea that you’re more likely to perish in a car accident before you get there.

I know all of this, yet I still can’t help but be petrified. Being flung thirty thousand feet into the sky in a tin can with wings will never not be absurd to me, no matter how much logical reasoning I try to talk myself into. It’s so bad that I’ve actively avoided flying wherever I can. I’ve never left Europe and I will always opt for a train, even if it takes me twelve hours to get somewhere.

Now that I’m being asked to go to more formal events, I can’t really put off planes for much longer. I’ve a trip to New York later this year, as well as another stag in Dublin in October. I’ve got to board six flights over the next few months, which is giving me the fear on a regular basis.

In fact, I tend to live with dread almost all the time. I am an extremely anxious person at my core, always overthinking and catastrophising until my head is spun about with worrisome thoughts. The key to living with it is to not let it shrink your horizons, an ambition that can get harder as we age and become more aware of our own mortality.

I will board a plane and I will go to Dublin, even if it shakes me up inside. We have to push through these feelings rather than sit with them, as they can easily start to dictate what we feel we can and can’t do.

All throughout my life I’ve had little obstacles and challenges like this, and often I fail to overcome them. When I was a child I used to avoid the big waterslide at my local swimming pool, watching the other kids line up and go down it and feeling absolutely overwhelmed. As an adult I largely avoid dating because I find it so unbearably scary. Anxiety lives in everything, and can become such a huge part of ourselves without us even noticing.