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Eating a meat-based hot dog could reduce your life by 36 minutes

Need another reason to switch to a vegan diet? New research suggest that eating a single meat-based hot dog could shorten your life by over half-an-hour. BBQ doesn’t sound so fun now, eh?

Forget drugs, getting too drunk, or attempting to do anything in the morning before a morning tea, the real threat to your health is hot dogs.

Yes, that seemingly innocuous hunk of processed meat is actually a killer, praying on your every waking move in an attempt to shorten your life span and send you to an early grave. Your boozy uncle’s family BBQ never looked so threatening.

Okay, so I may have dramatized the situation a little, but my alarmist rhetoric isn’t entirely fictitious.

New research by the University of Michigan has found that eating processed meats – such as a hot dog – could have detrimental effects on your health, so much so that your lifespan may be actively shortened.

This includes all sorts of popular foods, such as bacon, pizza, and pretty much any kind of manufactured meat product. Feeling the urge to go vegan yet?

Conversely, eating healthier options – like fruits, nuts, the usual suspects – may actually increase your lifespan. Who knew your average dinner plate was a tossup of morbid odds?

Over 5,800 foods were ranked based on their gains or losses of ‘human life’ for the study. Across the board, processed meats such as pork and lamb were found to be detrimental to our health, as was cheese and sugar-based drinks.

In addition, the research found that swapping 10% of your daily meat calories for fruits, veg, nuts, legumes, or certain seafoods had huge health benefits.

Of course, take all these numbers and stats with a pinch of salt. Not too much though.

While it’s fun to joke about a hot dog attempting to murder you like a surreal skit from South Park, these ‘life shortening’ facts are meant to reflect our overall health and the benefits of eating well, rather than vilify your local meat vendor.

The take away from this research is simple. More of us should be eating less meat, going vegan, and maintaining balanced lifestyles. Ditching the agricultural industry is one of the best ways to slow climate change, and it may also be the best option to improve your gut.

So, next time you’re hosting a slap-up meal for the folks, maybe bring a few healthier options to the table. It’ll take a lot to convince older, stubborn relatives, but perhaps the actual prospect of death can spark some change.

Nothing serves as a reminder of the endless abyss of non-existence like a freshly cooked hot dog or burger. Ketchup with that nice helping of existentialism?

 

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