Eating a meat-based hot dog could reduce your life by 36 minutes

Conversely, eating healthier options – like fruits, nuts, the usual suspects – may actually increase your lifespan. Who knew your average dinner plate was a tossup of morbid odds?

Over 5,800 foods were ranked based on their gains or losses of ‘human life’ for the study. Across the board, processed meats such as pork and lamb were found to be detrimental to our health, as was cheese and sugar-based drinks.

In addition, the research found that swapping 10% of your daily meat calories for fruits, veg, nuts, legumes, or certain seafoods had huge health benefits.

Of course, take all these numbers and stats with a pinch of salt. Not too much though.

While it’s fun to joke about a hot dog attempting to murder you like a surreal skit from South Park, these ‘life shortening’ facts are meant to reflect our overall health and the benefits of eating well, rather than vilify your local meat vendor.

The take away from this research is simple. More of us should be eating less meat, going vegan, and maintaining balanced lifestyles. Ditching the agricultural industry is one of the best ways to slow climate change, and it may also be the best option to improve your gut.

So, next time you’re hosting a slap-up meal for the folks, maybe bring a few healthier options to the table. It’ll take a lot to convince older, stubborn relatives, but perhaps the actual prospect of death can spark some change.

Nothing serves as a reminder of the endless abyss of non-existence like a freshly cooked hot dog or burger. Ketchup with that nice helping of existentialism?